Clay's TV Wav Page

Some of my favorites

I did not make Barney vs. Star Trek. I got it from Usenet. This classic has been around for years.
Barney vs. Star Trek........................................................ barney_v.wav 136k

I did make this brnyfans wav. While I do not advocate violence towards children or people wearing purple dinosaur costumes, I do believe the Barney concept is a Satanic plot to render adults brain-dead. I feel that the only defense against this Purple Plague is some purple parody. Please don't take offense at this sound file. This is all in fun kids, although I do not recommend playing this file within earshot of Barney-aged children.
Barney fans bite the dust................................................... brnyfans.wav 137k

No children were hurt during the making of this sound file. Kids, don't try this at home.
Void where prohibited.

If you'd like to blow a hole in Barney, go ahead and do so... Kill Barney

Pokey tells Gumby of his preference for a soft drug............ potpokey.wav 22k

Gene Okerlund, TV's fake wrestling announcer, was having a "bad day in the booth" back at the 1989 Slamarama (or whatever it was called). This little fit-of-pique did nothing to improve the image of the "sport." gene1.wav 21k

There was a little known and forbidden love between Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock on Star Trek. Here now, a sample of their fondness for each other.

Love Trek 326k

A test for the more hard core Trekkers. Try to name the episode this clip comes from.

Spock gets preachy 95k

Where should we shove these Dylithium crystals, Scotty?... scotty1.wav 7k

American Idol:

William Hung sings Ricky Martin's She Bangs. So bad, it's good.

The Hung voice 374k

The Cleveland Show:

On 10/10/10, the Fox network broadcast an episode of The Cleveland Show that had about the worst swear ever uttered on broadcast TV. The character that says it is a redneck named Lester Krinklesac. Way to give the finger to the FCC, Fox!

Clusterfuck. 51k

Inside Politics:

Robert Novak had a mental meltdown during this live CNN discussion show on 8/4/05, by cussing on-air then storming off the set. CNN has suspended him for this. Apparently, CNN had no problem with Novak committing treason by outing the identity of a CIA agent; but cussing? Now that's serious. (Novak is arguing with James Carville. Ed Henry is the moderator.)

Novak's bullshit. 142k

All My Children:

The Jimmy Kimmel show is on ABC at Midnight. He's always complaining about how the network won't let him use certain language. (For instance, you hear the word "shit" all the time on basic cable shows) Recently, another ABC show, All My Children, which runs at noon when the kiddies are up, ran this little gem. I don't know who these characters are, but the language is unmistakable. Standards and Practices, are you listening?

Say what? 50k

The Gulf War:

During the last hours of the Gulf War, General Norman Schwarzkopf gave an operational account of the war at a news conference. During the Q&A; with reporters, one asked what the General thought of Saddam Hussein as a military strategist. Most Americans loved this response.

Great military man! 165k

The Daily Show:

If you haven't seen this show, which runs on Comedy Central, you've missed some fine humor. One of the correspondents on this show is Beth Littleford. She conducts interviews with celebrities, and other nuts. She asks questions no one else would even think to ask, and some of the answers are extremely funny. It's amazing to me the shit some people will say on camera. I snagged some clips from two of those interviews for you. For your edification, I offer Beth interviewing Jesse "The Governor" Ventura, and Boy "am I gay" George.

Jesse speaks of Hulk Hogan's small penis...................... What's in those tights? 92k
Jesse the midget killer..................................................... Half man bastard. 34k
Boy G. runs head first into Beth's trap.............................. Bearded clam. 59k
Boy and Beth are both up for a good "rogering."............. Tea or sex? 70k
Would B.G. do President Clinton? You bet!................... A little oral. 30k

Jon Stewart slips a big one passed the Comedy Central censors.
Those fuckers. 96k

Family Guy:

This cartoon is great. This first clip is baby Stewie demanding death because of his teething pain.

Shake me like a British nanny. 118k
May 4, 2009. I hadn't come across anything worth posting on Family Guy in the last couple years, and then they hit me with this last night. I had just taken a drink of beer and lost it all to my carpet. For a 50 year old rocker like me, this is really funny

Sting gets a proper review 94k
Peter enjoys the expensive hotel amenities.

High class British porn. 35k
Stewie gets his first chubby.

Wee-wee rigor mortis. 55k
Stewie again, upon finding Jeff Foxworthy in the closet. (I loved this scene)

You suck!! 6k
Lois gives Chris high-quality dating advice.

If she smokes, she pokes. 17k
Peter and Michael Moore have a "Fart-Off" from adjacent bathroom stalls.

Dueling Bungholes 149k
Peter, with the two symbols of the Republican Party; An elephant, and a big, fat white guy who's threatened by change.

Big fat symbols 53k
Peter rattles off the list of crappy Fox shows that got

Family Guy 203k cancelled.
The movie trailer for Passion Of The Christ II: Crucify This

Let he who is without sin, kick the first ass! 254k
This one is pretty self-explanatory

Bag O' Weed song 792k
Peter, Brian and Stewie sing,

The Fellas At The Freakin' FCC 356k
Stewie, singing Rocket Man the way William Shatner did during the 1978 SciFi film awards.

Stewie's Rocket Man 363k
(For those wanting some serious punishment, here's Captain Kirk with the real THING. 637k)

The Andy Griffith Show:

I love Otis. Here, he speaks of his favorite hobby...............

otis8.wav 20k
Jeff Pruitt(Alan Hale Jr.) likes his women soft and squishy.

jeff1.wav 20k
Gomer has trouble talking to girls.......................................

gomer3.wav 11k (We now know why that was, but it sure would have been fun to hear Andy try and explain it to Opie.)

"Shezzam!" As made famous by Gomer.............................. Shezzam.wav 6k
The very rare, Andy "Shezzam."........................................ Andy Shezzam 5k
Barney wants you to "Nip it in the bud!"............................. nip.wav 9k

King of the Hill:

I've followed this show since it debuted and was lukewarm about it. However, with episode #4E06, this show really kicked into gear. Here are a few cuts I really enjoyed.

Hank and friends meet new neighbor Kahn........................... koth1.wav 191k
What kind of country is it?.................................................... koth4.wav 56k
Giving the gift of gas............................................................. koth5.wav 153k
Hank tries to pronounce Kahn's full name.............................. koth6.wav 47k
Minh taste tests Peggy's cooking........................................... koth7.wav 126k
Hank explains the sexual double standard to Bobby............... koth8.wav 147k
Boomhauer explains The Internet........................................... koth9.wav 60k
Peggy wonders about men and hoes...................................... koth10.wav 12k

The Brady Bunch:

A defining moment of the tragic '70s .................................

marcia.wav 19k

Saturday Night Live:

(Back when it was funny)

"Jane, you ignorant slut".................................................... jane.wav 8k
"Do you want to touch my monkey?"................................ monkey.wav 7k
Garth prepares to spew.................................................... hurl.wav 18k

Dragnet:

When I first saw this show, back in the 60's and 70's, I was only about 10, but I knew even then that I was witnessing something really twisted (and I've always loved that). The record-breaking number of nods and knowing glances between Friday and Gannon were telling. They meant that there wouldn't be as much treacle-filled dialog.

There were no VCR's or home computers then, but now TVLAND is running the show, and I set my VCR from day one. It didn't take long to get into the show again. It seems worse to me now than it did then- It's great entertainment, for reasons they never imagined. I cobbled that marijuana clip (on my Oddities page) together the first day, but editing a clip like that does not do the show justice. It's pretty fucking funny on its own.

Here is a clip that floored me. I don't know why it makes me laugh, but I've listened to it over fifty times, and I've laughed out loud with every listen. This one is for folks like me (nuts), and Systems Analysts everywhere. Joe Friday, conversationalist- Is there a script? 39k

Dragnet, while heavy on propaganda, was the first reality-based cop show. They used actual files from the L.A.P.D. to make their shows, and worked at keeping it somewhat factual. Occasionally, this revealed some interesting points of law. Back in 1967, LSD was still a legal substance. In this case, Friday and Gannon played the officers responding to "a guy acting goofy" call. When they arrived on scene, some guy was high on LSD, and was in possession as well. Much to their dismay, there was no law against what this guy was doing, so they used a most amazing, all inclusive, catch-all law. A law against being "in danger of leading an idle, dissolute, or immoral life." Yes, I'm serious. You don't even have to be "idle" to break the law, just "in danger" of being idle.

My proof

Busted! 29k

Police Squad:

Sgt. Detective Lt. Frank Drebin's style, when interviewing witnesses, is just about the opposite of Sgt. Joe Friday's. He gets anything but the facts. I defy anyone to figure out what the facts are from this interview. In any case, it's a funny bit of dialog.

Once shot Twice once. 240k

The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson:

On 9/9/66, George Carlin first appeared on the Tonight Show and did a vintage Hippy-Dippy Weatherman bit.....

carlin66.wav 376k

Here is an old Tonight Show classic that was first aired on 2/19/68. Jack Webb and Johnny Carson discuss the "Copper Clapper Caper.".... jackwebb.wav 419k

Now showing elsewhere on Clay's Sound Emporium:

Page One
The Simpsons Wav Page
The Simpsons Song Wav Page
The Mail Call Wav Page
The Movie Wav Page
The Atomic Cafe Wav Page
The Pulp Fiction Wav Page
The Wizard of Oz Wav Page
The Oddities Wav Page
The Humorous Quote Bag
How to make your own wav files

If any of the links here do not work, or, if you have any comments or questions, please let me know-- CONTACT ME